The Hotdog Laserhouse

Wow, I had no idea I had 2,852 subscribers, 263 video uploads, or over 7,000,000 total video views across my entire channel. I’ve had this account since 2005 and this is all news to me! Thanks for the heads up, Youtube!

The hit Xbox 360 game “X-Blades” is now available on Xbox Games On Demand for the low, low price of only $30. Keep in mind that this game is three years old and inspired reviews like:

I’m not playing a game so much as acting as an FBI profiler trying to get inside the head of a mass murderer whose brain is full of nothing but cancer and madness. In puzzling out this insanity, I can only be afraid that I’ve somehow been infected by it.

I can still hear the ba-thump ba-thump of the paused game behind me, begging me back for more abuse, and I’m caught in a spiral of disbelief. Nothing can be this awful, yet I find myself straining to look over my shoulder. I don’t know how long I can hold out. I am lost, but you may yet save yourselves.

Save yourselves from this game.

- Scott Sharkey, 1up.com

And look at that screenshot! Look at the HUD! You have gigantic Times New Roman numbers on the right hand side to signify what I can only imagine is the player’s current score. On the left you have the world’s smallest health and mana bars, only improved in the bottom left by what I assume is some kind of inventory or ability system - but I don’t feel like breaking out a magnifying glass to analyze it any further than that.

And then we have our character, who looks like she stepped out of one of those weird Skyrim mods where you play as some “anime babe” in a maid costume. Except even that doing a disservice to the level of craft and quality put forth from the Skyrim Community.

And that price will probably never go down. The glory of Microsoft’s vision for the digital marketplace is that they will overcharge you for old, crappy games for the rest of your life. There’s no need to worry about shelf space in the digital marketplace; no pressure to sell an old product to make room for the newer stuff. X-Blades can be $30 forever. Monster Madness, a game that is going on six years old at this point, and has been available through Games On Demand for close to a full year, is still $40. Or, y’know, you could go to Gamestop and buy it used for $6 (or about $12 on Ebay if you want a brand new, still-shrink-wrapped copy).

The worst part of it all is that Microsoft has marketing engineers who are literally so skilled at their craft that none of this actually matters. The whole entire pricing structure of Xbox Live is such that X-Blades for $30 is supposed to look like a bargain. The horrifying reality of it all is that these price points most likely weren’t set by their publishers, but instead was dictated by Microsoft. Microsoft thinks a 2007 Xbox 360 release with a Metacritic score of 55 is worth $40. (incidentally, X-Blades has a Metacritic of 50, meaning five points on their rating scale translates to a full $10 price-hike.)

But what’s most hilarious to me is that X-Blades was apparently popular enough to get a sequel, which released just last month: Blades of Time. Despite the obvious upgrade to budget, the game itself is best likened to an Adam Sandler movie: hamfisted, shop-worn tropes designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Rewinding time’s still a “thing”, right guys?